Could it be that the most overdone, overblown, clichéd Christmas tradition is the “White Elephant” party? This is of course, where everyone draws numbers and picks fake gifts, and you can steal people’s presents, and it’s like what would happen if a cheesy game show got shot in the leg and limped its way into the holiday section of Wal-Mart. Anyways, I had two such events this week (one of them taught me that at “office” versions of this game, the gifts are meant to be serious, not jokes that make fun of the company).

I’m always proud of the weird crap that me and my awesome friends manage to come up with for these things, and I’d like to share one with you. The day of the event, I hadn’t yet found an appropriate gag gift, and while I was cleaning up my desk I found an old, broken watch. Seeing the potential, I knew it wasn’t enough on it’s own to merit a good white elephant gift, but if I wrote a story about how it was the watch that saved Christmas, and the person had to read said story in front of the group — well, thats a winner. Below you will find the story, which I think is pretty funny, but I should say that some of the other gifts there were far better. Kudos to my friends for being totally awesome at fake Christmas, and for giving me a good challenge for next year.

The Watch that Saved Christmas
By Mike Hankins

Once upon a midnight dreary
Flew old Santa, drunk and bleary,
With his elf sidekick there at the helm.

“You should never drink and sleigh,”
Said the elf, who was quite gay,
As they landed in the snow quite recklessly.

Santa said, “Just France to go,
Then back to Mrs. Ho Ho Ho,”
The elf just turned away and rolled his eyes.

Then from the brush there came a clatter!
A Christmas Wolf, lacking in manners!
His jaws looked forward to the gruesome kill.

“The naughty list included ME?”
The wolf did howl quite angrily,
“For that I’ll kill you and your little friend!”

Santa needed to buy some time,
So tossed the elf towards the wolf’s climb
Thinking, “man, this elf is really, really gay!”

Just before the wolf’s sharp teeth
Turned the elf into raw meat
Santa stood up and shouted, “No! Please wait!”

Santa held up his watch quite gleaming,
At which the wolf stared disbelieving,
Transfixed by the glorious Christmas glow.

“This watch has Christmas power, you see”
Said Santa, smiling ominously,
Now the wolf wanted it with all his mind.

“Take it! It’s yours! Just let us go!”
Said Santa, hurling it into the snow,
The wolf went chasing after right away.

The elf said, “wow you sure think fast!”
Santa said, “I pulled that right out of my ass…”
Then they flew off back into the night.

“I’m too shaken to give more gifts,
Said Santa, “lets end this night’s events”
“After all,” he smiled, “we’re only skipping France!”

Merry Christmas!